Love Anyway

I was raised by my mother and my step-father, who became my step-father when I was 5. So for all intents and purposes, he was my dad. I knew my birth father's name and had a vague idea of his appearance, but I wasn't 100% sure what he looked like. I just knew that he was tall, dark and handsome. I remember being in a department store shopping with my mom and seeing a man who fit my dad's description. I wondered if it was him, but figured it wasn't since my mom didn't acknowledge him. 

Yesterday was Christmas. It was different from yet also similar to the Christmases of my childhood. My step-dad is no longer here, but my birth father is. I got a chance to see him and hug him this year at our family's annual Christmas Eve dinner. My dad and I have established a fairly consistent relationship. He even calls me several times a month. While I love and cherish our moments together now, it doesn't erase the memories of the many years I had to spend Christmas without him. I'd secretly cry and beg and pray for him to find me and come rescue me. I wondered what it was about me that made him create another child but not want to be around me. I blamed myself. I thought that if I worked harder, got good grades, did everything that my teachers and my mom and my step-dad told me to do, my dad would love me. I became the consummate people-pleaser. My wants and needs and desires didn't matter, as long as I was doing what I was told. After all, wouldn't that make my daddy proud?

I played that role for a long time - the people pleaser. In fact, it's still a large part of my personality. Seeking my dad's love and affection still impacts my behavior nearly four decades later. I pray that I can spare my daughters the disappointment and emptiness that comes with putting others' needs ahead of your own. For whatever reason, they didn't see or receive gifts from their father yesterday for the first time ever. I pray that it was an isolated incident and not the start of a pattern beginning to emerge. I'm not sure how that will impact them, if at all. Perhaps it won't. But if it does, I pray that it's  not in the same way that it impacted me. Seeking constant approval is exhausting and gives your power away. I want my girls to be empowered and love and be proud of themselves, even if no one else is.

One thing that life has taught and continues to teach me is that my heart may not always be appreciated or reciprocated, but I must Love Anyway. I still love my step-father who has passed away, I still love my birth father and I still love my daughters' father because that is what God commands me to do. And even despite my flaws and faults and short-comings, I'm learning to love me anyway too!

Moving On

When I was just 14 years old, I met the person who would become my other half for more than a quarter century. Who he was then and who he became were two slightly different people. Who I was and who I became were two vastly different people. Yes, growth is expected in every relationship, but what happens when the gap widens?

I won't make this a bash-my-ex post. This post is less about him and more about me. That abused, timid, bashful, insecure, easily influenced girl whose self-esteem was on the floor IS NOT the woman I am today. We still have some similarities, but I'm no longer her. She needed constant reassurance. She settled for far less than she deserved. She was envious of people who had what she lacked. She depended on others for her happiness. She made that young man, who she met at the tender age of 14, responsible for too large a portion of her life, her love, her happiness and her existence. She didn't know that she could be complete on her own.



It is now almost 30 years later and she has morphed into me. I am more confident. I'm more self-assured. I no longer settle for less than I deserve. I partner with those who have what I lack. I don't depend on others for my happiness. And most of all, that young boy who morphed into my ex is no longer responsible for my life, my love, my happiness or my existence. I'm moving on.

Moving on has been a long time coming. It's like keeping something around after its expiration date. Milk, yogurt, cheese, bread ... anything kept after its expiration date begins to spoil, and the longer you keep it, the worse it becomes. It starts to mold and stink and has to be discarded. I won't say that I discarded my relationship with him, but I did have to change the dynamics of it. I had to change the way I interacted with him. I had to change the role he played in my life. It wasn't fair to him or me to rely so heavily on him for so much. The best decision for us both was to move on.

Sharon C.
Sept 2016