Love Anyway

I was raised by my mother and my step-father, who became my step-father when I was 5. So for all intents and purposes, he was my dad. I knew my birth father's name and had a vague idea of his appearance, but I wasn't 100% sure what he looked like. I just knew that he was tall, dark and handsome. I remember being in a department store shopping with my mom and seeing a man who fit my dad's description. I wondered if it was him, but figured it wasn't since my mom didn't acknowledge him. 

Yesterday was Christmas. It was different from yet also similar to the Christmases of my childhood. My step-dad is no longer here, but my birth father is. I got a chance to see him and hug him this year at our family's annual Christmas Eve dinner. My dad and I have established a fairly consistent relationship. He even calls me several times a month. While I love and cherish our moments together now, it doesn't erase the memories of the many years I had to spend Christmas without him. I'd secretly cry and beg and pray for him to find me and come rescue me. I wondered what it was about me that made him create another child but not want to be around me. I blamed myself. I thought that if I worked harder, got good grades, did everything that my teachers and my mom and my step-dad told me to do, my dad would love me. I became the consummate people-pleaser. My wants and needs and desires didn't matter, as long as I was doing what I was told. After all, wouldn't that make my daddy proud?

I played that role for a long time - the people pleaser. In fact, it's still a large part of my personality. Seeking my dad's love and affection still impacts my behavior nearly four decades later. I pray that I can spare my daughters the disappointment and emptiness that comes with putting others' needs ahead of your own. For whatever reason, they didn't see or receive gifts from their father yesterday for the first time ever. I pray that it was an isolated incident and not the start of a pattern beginning to emerge. I'm not sure how that will impact them, if at all. Perhaps it won't. But if it does, I pray that it's  not in the same way that it impacted me. Seeking constant approval is exhausting and gives your power away. I want my girls to be empowered and love and be proud of themselves, even if no one else is.

One thing that life has taught and continues to teach me is that my heart may not always be appreciated or reciprocated, but I must Love Anyway. I still love my step-father who has passed away, I still love my birth father and I still love my daughters' father because that is what God commands me to do. And even despite my flaws and faults and short-comings, I'm learning to love me anyway too!

Moving On

When I was just 14 years old, I met the person who would become my other half for more than a quarter century. Who he was then and who he became were two slightly different people. Who I was and who I became were two vastly different people. Yes, growth is expected in every relationship, but what happens when the gap widens?

I won't make this a bash-my-ex post. This post is less about him and more about me. That abused, timid, bashful, insecure, easily influenced girl whose self-esteem was on the floor IS NOT the woman I am today. We still have some similarities, but I'm no longer her. She needed constant reassurance. She settled for far less than she deserved. She was envious of people who had what she lacked. She depended on others for her happiness. She made that young man, who she met at the tender age of 14, responsible for too large a portion of her life, her love, her happiness and her existence. She didn't know that she could be complete on her own.



It is now almost 30 years later and she has morphed into me. I am more confident. I'm more self-assured. I no longer settle for less than I deserve. I partner with those who have what I lack. I don't depend on others for my happiness. And most of all, that young boy who morphed into my ex is no longer responsible for my life, my love, my happiness or my existence. I'm moving on.

Moving on has been a long time coming. It's like keeping something around after its expiration date. Milk, yogurt, cheese, bread ... anything kept after its expiration date begins to spoil, and the longer you keep it, the worse it becomes. It starts to mold and stink and has to be discarded. I won't say that I discarded my relationship with him, but I did have to change the dynamics of it. I had to change the way I interacted with him. I had to change the role he played in my life. It wasn't fair to him or me to rely so heavily on him for so much. The best decision for us both was to move on.

Sharon C.
Sept 2016

Light in a Dark Room

I had a conversation with a co-worker last night and God was literally unfolding an analogy to me as I was typing. Just wanted to share parts of it. May it help someone trust in God. May someone's faith not fail them. May someone read this and decide not to give up. May someone be encouraged. May someone ‪#‎continuE‬


Light in a Dark Room

I swear as much as I love love love the Lord and live my life trying to please Him, I still don't understand 2/3 (or more like 9/10) of what He does and how and why and when. But still, in the uncertainty of it all I TRUST HIM!!!

My Pastor and I often use this saying - "Accept what God allows." It's sometimes hard to do, but we have to believe that His will will never take us where His grace will not sustain us.

Trusting God is hard at times! It's dark at times. It's like walking into a room with the lamp all the way on the other side and we have to navigate through an obstacle course to make it. We stumble, we trip over things. Sometimes we fall down, face first! Sometimes we stub our toes. But we make it. He guides us.

Many of us have entered a dark room and we're wondering how we got here. Keep navigating through this dark room called life and know that God is guiding us! Whatever the current assignment that God has entrusted unto you, keep going! Some would've turned around and walked out of the room because of fear or disobedience or laziness. But not you! You keep pressing your way through the darkness. And God knew that even though you'd stub your toe or trip or even fall on your face, you would make it through the dark room and reach the light! That's why He chose you for this!

You've got this! Don't give up! Because you're not navigating through the dark on your own. He's there. And He even placed some little specks of light in your room to help you see. I'm honored to be a small purple (of course) candle in your room. Lol 💜🔥 I pray that my light continues to shine to help you find your way. And may you do the same for others!
‪#‎shinE‬ 🌞🌝

Share C.
5/23/16
11:30 pm

Hey Heart, You Can Beat Again!

"Tell your heart to beat again 

Close your eyes and breathe it in 

Let the shadows fall away 

Step into the light of grace 

Yesterday's a closing door 

You don't live there anymore 

Say goodbye to where you've been 

And tell your heart to beat again" 

~ Danny Gokey 

 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azYK8I2uoog  

Sometimes life leaves you broken. It takes you places you never imagined you'd go. It leaves you hurt and damaged and in desperate need of healing. You still have faith that healing will come, but t just seems so far away. In those dark moments, in those sad times, it feels as if your heart stops working, stops beating. But along comes a gentle reminder that you're not alone, you're still alive and your heart is still beating. You never have to succumb to your past. You never have to settle for the way things used to be. For there's a Christ who makes all things new. He came that we might have life and life more abundantly. He came to revive us and show us the way, the truth and the life. He came that we, the world, through Him, might be saved. He came to breathe life into our dead places. He came to make our dry bones live. He came to make our once still hearts beat again.

 

#continuing
Sharon C.
4/29/16 10:49 pm