I always knew that I'd write again. I just didn't know when. But I knew that I would. I KNEW that God wouldn't give me this gift and then allow me to go the rest of my life without using it. I just knew. I just KNEW. I JUST KNEW!
And for me, just knowing says A LOT! You see, I'm not the type of person who just KNOWS! I second guess myself on almost EVERYTHING! I constantly seek validation. I ask for others' opinions. I crave approval and acceptance...well, I did! Before.
Actually, I'll be honest and say I still do...just not as much. I'll be transparent - maybe it'll help somebody. I post selfies and sit back and wait for the "likes" and comments. It gives me validation. I remember looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw. I remember feeling like I was too dark or too tall or too fat or too nerdy. And truth be told, I still have those moments. So I post pictures in hopes that I'm able to mask what I'm feeling. So the likes and comments mean that you guys don't see what I see, so my masquerade is working. But I'm learning to not need constant reassurance from earthly men...because I get it from my Heavenly Father.
Jesus sees me for exactly who I am! Raw, uncut, uncensored, no filter! Just me! And when He looks at me, He doesn't see dark circles under my eyes, He doesn't see the middle section of my hair that's really thick and curly, the scrapes from my clumsy childhood years, the scars from my surgeries, the extra thickness around my mid section...or maybe he DOES see that, and He chooses to love me anyway! He loves me! Just as I am, He loves me! I'm all He needs, just as I am. He accepts me, just as I am. He sees me as an instrument, just as I am. I'm valuable to Him, just as I am. I'm pliable and fit for the kingdom, JUST AS I AM!
When I'd counted myself out, He still had use for me. When I wanted to throw in the towel and just give up, He wouldn't let me, because He still had use for me. There are people that only I can reach. There are people who will receive a word from God only through me. There are people who may not ever go to a church, but may read something that I write or post. I JUST KNOW that if God can use anything, He can use me.
I almost got lost in the suffering. And ohhhh, what suffering it was! Physical suffering. Emotional suffering. Spiritual suffering. But it pales in comparison to the glory that shall be revealed in me! Greater is coming! The suffering was worth it, for it served as a catalyst, a launching pad for my blessings.
God is showing me that I matter! I've always known that on a surface level, but now, deep down in the basement of my sanctified soul, I know that I HAVE WORTH! I put up with a lot for a long time. I did the wrong things and made the wrong choices for a long time. I had ostrich syndrome and buried my head in the sand and did nothing for a long time. But God is reminding me of His strength that is made perfect in my weakness. I had to be broken in order for Him to begin the process of fixing me. I had to be weak in order for Him to begin the process of making me strong. I had to be indecisive in order for Him to show me how to stand firm in my decisions. I had to endure it so I could command it. I had to suffer a while so that He could strengthen and establish me. I count not myself to have apprehended. I don't claim that I've reached my highest heights. I believe that even greater is coming. But I know that what I've gone through to get to where I am was necessary. It's not punishment, it's a process. And I'm doing my work on improving me and getting closer to God and allowing God to perform the good work that He's begun in me, until the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. I no longer make apologies for who I am and where I am in my process. This is The Lord's doing, and it's marvelous in our sight! HE gets all the glory for all that I am and ever hope to be!
#TGBTG #continuE
Some of God's reminders (Notes for the tests)
* Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof
* 1 Peter 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
* Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
* 2 Cor 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; (GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THIS MAY BE MY NEW FAVE!!!)
* Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (STILL MY FAVE!)
* James 1:3-4 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
* Romans 5:1-5 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
