8th months ago today ...

I haven't quite been the same since he left us. Yes I accept what God has allowed and yes I know he's in a better place and yes I know I'll see him again but it's just such a hard pill to swallow. It still feels like a big lump in my throat. I really miss this lil guy. I hoped and wished and fasted and prayed that his story would have a different ending. But God has the final say. He determined TJ's expected end, not me. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad and leave me with sooooo many questions. Continue to rest well little angel. 8 months today Smh and we are still struggling emotionally. You touched a lot of lives. We all still love and miss u! ‪#‎StillTeamTJ‬ ‪#‎continuE‬

Forgiveness

Isn't it AMAZING how God gives us what we need before we need it?! He truly is our Jehovah Jireh (He who has already provided). Everything we need to complete assignments and follow His commands is already in us. We simply need to be quiet and willing to hear and obey His voice.

For weeks, our Pastor was preaching and teaching, talking and texting, posting and tweeting about forgiveness. Initially, I just assumed it was surface stuff that we all knew. Forgive each other as we want God to forgive us, forgive someone 70 x 7 times, and all the nice things we learn about forgiveness. But after a few days and the forgiveness topic didn't go away, I began to examine my life to see where (not if) there were places of unforgiveness. I came up with nothing. And I REALLY searched high and low. I was pretty sure that I'd forgiven anyone who had wronged me. Because for me, forgiveness was not just what I did but it's who I was - the soft-hearted girl who gave people far more chances than they deserved, the one who was always the "bigger person" and simply let people off the hook for hurting me. I think a large part of me being that ever forgiving person came as a result of things that I endured in my childhood and being forced to still love my abuser. I had to learn to tuck anger and hurt away in a pocket somewhere and love in spite of. So after my soul searching came back empty, I moved on from the forgiveness topic and returned to our regularly scheduled program of study - the altar.

Little did I know that the lesson of forgiveness would reappear, but this time as a hands-on project rather than a book lesson. I was placed in a situation where I would be hurt, let down, disappointed, betrayed by people that I loved and trusted. Even my own child was involved. My heart sank. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to just walk away because the hurt seemed unbearable.

How could people who claimed to love my child have such little regard for her safety and well being? How could she have such little regard for herself? I felt the wall going back up - the wall that I'd worked for years at tearing down. Isolation seemed like the best option, and the decision to not let people invade that tender space around my heart seemed like the wisest choice.

But God reminded me of those lessons on forgiveness that Pastor Carol taught. He brought back to my remembrance the many posts and conversations about forgiveness. He reminded me of the many times he'd forgiven me, and the many more times I'd need to be forgiven. God reminded me that we're all human and we all fall short and miss the mark. And He let me know that HE is judge and jury, and it's not up to me to decide who is worthy of forgiveness and who is not. After all, the forgiveness was for me; it was the key to my freedom.

 

But I was still hurt. Beyond hurt, I was downright angry! I think the thing that I struggled with was the lack or remorse or sorrow displayed by some people involved. I felt like "If they're really sorry, they sure have a funny way of showing it!" But God let me know A) that sometimes people aren't able to be vulnerable in front of others, and that I have to just trust Him to get to their broken places without my assistance or witness and B) it's not up to me to decide a person's level of remorse. My forgiveness can't be contingent upon their sorrow. My forgiveness has to simply be an act of obedience.

So I forgave. I chose to stop letting my imagination run wild and stop thinking of all the horrible things that could've happened and instead thank and praise God for sheltering and protecting all our children. I chose to still love and not mistreat or mishandle anyone involved. I chose to let go of the hurt of the past since I couldn't change it, and move forward - knowing better and doing better.

If you're angry about a situation that you just can't seem to let go of, if you're holding onto anger, bitterness and resentment from past events, if there is someone in your life that you're harboring unforgiveness toward, PLEASE just let it go. I know it's much easier said than done, but I urge you to begin the process of healing and forgiving. It's for you! Because holding onto anger is like drinking poising and expecting the other person to die! Let it go. Free your heart from bondage!
 
Sharon C.
4/18/15



"Unforgiveness holds your heart hostage and it keeps hope from happening!! I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's not a journey. I'm saying ITS NECESSARY and I'm saying it's a journey well worth taking!! #FORGIVEandLIVE #continuing"
 Pastor Carol Harris

I Just KNEW I'd Be Back!

 

I always knew that I'd write again. I just didn't know when. But I knew that I would. I KNEW that God wouldn't give me this gift and then allow me to go the rest of my life without using it. I just knew. I just KNEW. I JUST KNEW!

And for me, just knowing says A LOT! You see, I'm not the type of person who just KNOWS! I second guess myself on almost EVERYTHING! I constantly seek validation. I ask for others' opinions. I crave approval and acceptance...well, I did! Before.

Actually, I'll be honest and say I still do...just not as much. I'll be transparent - maybe it'll help somebody. I post selfies and sit back and wait for the "likes" and comments. It gives me validation. I remember looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw. I remember feeling like I was too dark or too tall or too fat or too nerdy. And truth be told, I still have those moments. So I post pictures in hopes that I'm able to mask what I'm feeling. So the likes and comments mean that you guys don't see what I see, so my masquerade is working. But I'm learning to not need constant reassurance from earthly men...because I get it from my Heavenly Father.

Jesus sees me for exactly who I am! Raw, uncut, uncensored, no filter! Just me! And when He looks at me, He doesn't see dark circles under my eyes, He doesn't see the middle section of my hair that's really thick and curly, the scrapes from my clumsy childhood years, the scars from my surgeries, the extra thickness around my mid section...or maybe he DOES see that, and He chooses to love me anyway! He loves me! Just as I am, He loves me! I'm all He needs, just as I am. He accepts me, just as I am. He sees me as an instrument, just as I am. I'm valuable to Him, just as I am. I'm pliable and fit for the kingdom, JUST AS I AM!

When I'd counted myself out, He still had use for me. When I wanted to throw in the towel and just give up, He wouldn't let me, because He still had use for me. There are people that only I can reach. There are people who will receive a word from God only through me. There are people who may not ever go to a church, but may read something that I write or post. I JUST KNOW that if God can use anything, He can use me.

I almost got lost in the suffering. And ohhhh, what suffering it was! Physical suffering. Emotional suffering. Spiritual suffering. But it pales in comparison to the glory that shall be revealed in me! Greater is coming! The suffering was worth it, for it served as a catalyst, a launching pad for my blessings.

God is showing me that I matter! I've always known that on a surface level, but now, deep down in the basement of my sanctified soul, I know that I HAVE WORTH! I put up with a lot for a long time. I did the wrong things and made the wrong choices for a long time. I had ostrich syndrome and buried my head in the sand and did nothing for a long time. But God is reminding me of His strength that is made perfect in my weakness. I had to be broken in order for Him to begin the process of fixing me. I had to be weak in order for Him to begin the process of making me strong. I had to be indecisive in order for Him to show me how to stand firm in my decisions. I had to endure it so I could command it. I had to suffer a while so that He could strengthen and establish me. I count not myself to have apprehended. I don't claim that I've reached my highest heights. I believe that even greater is coming. But I know that what I've gone through to get to where I am was necessary. It's not punishment, it's a process. And I'm doing my work on improving me and getting closer to God  and allowing God to perform the good work that He's begun in me, until the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. I no longer make apologies for who I am and where I am in my process. This is The Lord's doing, and it's marvelous in our sight! HE gets all the glory for all that I am and ever hope to be!
#TGBTG #continuE

Some of God's reminders (Notes for the tests)
* Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof
* 1 Peter 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
* Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
* 2 Cor 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; (GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THIS MAY BE MY NEW FAVE!!!)
* Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (STILL MY FAVE!)
* James 1:3-4 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
* Romans 5:1-5 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.